Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince Get it On
by ph34r teh sistahs
Summary: A Blooper Reel. Rating for later chapters. HPHBP SPOILERS!
1. The Other Minister Gets Singed

Title: Harry Potter (The-Boy-Who-Scored) and the Half-Blood Prince (Get it On): A Blooper Reel

Authors: ph34r teh sistahs (Impatient and Sage)

Rating: M (For... ummm... stuff...) Chapters will be rated separately though)

Disclaimer: We own nothing of JK Rowling's, too bad. Thank you Napoleon Dynamite for your goshness, we don't own that either, darn. All blooper themes belong to their respective peoples.

Author's Note: This would be best if read alongside the book. Not only are there incredible SPOILERS, but the bloopers will just make much more sense that way.

Chapter One

The Other Minister (Gets Singed)

(Rated K+)

(Cornelius Fudge Theme Plays- Let's Get Retarded- Black Eyed Peas)

He watched, trying not to betray a flicker of surprise or alarm, as a portly man appeared within the flames, spinning as fast as a top. Seconds later he climbed out onto a rather fine antique rug, brushing ash from the sleeves of his long pin-striped cloak, a lime green bowler hat in his hand.

"Ah... Prime Minister," said Cornelius Fudge, striding forward with his hand outstretched. "Terrible to see you again."

"Yes. Quite," said the Prime Minister thinking himself quite insane."

"You are insane," whispered Impatient.

"NO! He's not," shouted Sage, "And Cornelius, please be more polite next time."

"Right. Sorry. It's just, it is _terrible _to see him again, considering why I'm here. But, okay. We'll just start from my entrance again," Fudge agreed apologetically to Sage and Impatient.

(Cornelius Fudge's Theme Plays- See above)

He watched, trying not to betray a flicker of surprise or alarm, as a portly man appeared within the flames, spinning as fast as a top. Seconds later he climbed out onto a rather fine antique rug, brushing ash from the sleeves of his long pin-striped cloak, a lime green bowler hat in his hand.

"Ah... Prime Minister," said Cornelius Fudge, striding forward with his hand outstretched.

"I am sooo happy to see you. It's wonderful to be in this handsome office once again. I have been eagerly awaiting another meeting with you since our last. And... is that a new hairdo?"

"Errr... yes.. No, this is not in the script. AND it is Not very good to see you again," the Prime Minister stammered, confused and agitated.

"Well, I thought the ad-libbing was quite good on Fudge's part. Next time just go with it Prime Minister," Sage comanded.

(Sirius Black's Theme Plays- Godfather Theme by John Williams)

"Is Serious Black with – er – He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?"

"Black? Black?"Said Fudge distractedly, turning his bowler rapidly in his fingers. "Sirius Black, you mean? The murderous raving lunatic who attempted to destroy the wizarding world as we know it? No, he's dead. Thank God."

"Sirius was a GOOD guy, you stupid portly man!" Impatient screeched.

"And he was soooo handsome," added Sage.

"Why, thank you!" Said Sirius appearing out of nowhere, "I quite agree myself."

Sage opened her mouth as if to tell Sirius he did not belong in this scene, let alone this book, but then thought the better of it as she appraised his dark good looks. Slowly, carefully Sirius inched toward Fudge.

Fudge, however, was not impressed by Sirius' appearance, quite the contrary, he was terrified. He scampered underneath the Prime Minister's desk, even abandoning his bowler hat in his hasty retreat. Sirius looked around the room shiftily before snatching the discarded hat and sneaking off the set.

"Sirius get back here, you CLEPTO!" Impatient yelled outraged.

A stunned Fudge stood up banging his head on the desk. "I've been hoodwinked!"

(Rufus Scrimgeour's Theme Plays- The Lion Sleeps Tonight by

The Prime Minister's first, foolish thought was that Rufus Scrimgeour looked rather like an old lion. There were streaks of gray in his tawny hair and his bushy eyebrows; he had keen yellowish eyes behind a pair of wire-rimmed spectacles and a certain rangy, loping grace even though he walked with a slight limp.

"Wait. Should there be something about stripes," Sage corrected tentatively.

"No! He looks like a _li-on_ not a _li-ger._ And now we've ruined a perfectly good take." Impatient said. (Sounding quite impatient, but that could get old quick.)

"I think it would be better if he looked like a liger." Sage murmured sulkily.

Scrimgeour hissed and waved his rather furry hand. "Gosh! You're ruining my life," he growled.

(The Floo Theme- Hot Stuff by Donna Summers)

And with that, the two wizards stepped one after the other into the bright green fire and... burned.

"OUCH!"

"How much or rather little of that powder did you use?" Fudge yelped fanning himself with his bowler hat and succeeding in spreading the flames to the Prime Minister as well.

Impatient and Sage sighed. "Do you reckon we can find replacements?" Impatient asked resignedly.

"They're MAGIC! Why don't they just put it out?" Sage queried to nobody in particular.

"Oh... right."

Author's Note: Despite the fact that Sirius died, he's still happily alive and well. And a clepto. Sorry about that.


	2. The End of Spinner's End

Title: Harry Potter (The-Boy-Who-Scored) and the Half-Blood Prince (Get it On): A Blooper Reel

Authors: ph34r teh sistahs (Impatient and Sage)

Rating: M ((For... ummm... stuff...) Chapters will be rated separately though)

Disclaimer: This is Jo's, not ours. Thanks Jo.

Author's Note: This would be best if read alongside the book. Not only are there incredible SPOILERS, but the bloopers will just make much more sense that way.

Chapter Two

(The End of) Spinner's End

(Rated T)

The harsh cry startled the fox, now crouching almost flat in the undergrowth. It leapt from its hiding place and up the bank. There was a flash of green light, a yelp, and Cissy fell down dead.

"Shit." Bella laughed.

* * *

"We... we are alone, aren't we?" Narcissa asked quietly.

"Yes, of course. Well, Wormtail's here, but we're not counting vermin are we?"

He pointed his wand at the wall of books behind him and with a bang, a hidden door flew open revealing a hidden staircase from which two gorgeous, sexy, young, blonde sistahs tumbled (gracefully, of course).

"What the hell are you two doing there?" Bella shrieked. Cissy burst into tears.

"What," Snape sneered at the giggling mass of woman, "have you done with Wormtail?"

"Wormtail?" The girls asked innocently, "Isn't he from book three or four?"

* * *

"I am not your servant!" He squeaked, avoiding Snape's eye.

"Really? I was under the impression that the Dark Lord placed you here to assist me."

"To assist, yes – but not to make you drinks and – clean your house!"

"I had no idea, Wormtail, that you were craving more dangerous assignments," Snape said silkily as Sirius sidled onto the set grabbing Wormtail around the middle and dragging him off to stage right 'inconspicuously,' "This can be easily arranged: I shall speak to the Dark Lord–"

"Ummm... Snape... Wormtail... left," Bellatrix stammered.

"He what?"

"SIRIUS!" Impatient bellowed stalking onto the set from stage left. "Bring Wormtail back this instant, you filthy clepto!"

"He just stole a person," Sage murmured astounded, walking on behind Impatient. "That's kinky."

* * *

Snape held up a hand to stop her, then pointed his wand again at the concealed staircase door. There was a loud bang and a squeal.

"Impatient! I'm dying!" Sage's wails carried through the door.

"Snape! You killed her!" Impatient cried indignantly from off set.

"My apologies," said Snape.

* * *

"You ask why I did not attempt to find him when he vanished. For the same reason Avery, Yaxley, the Carrows, Greyback, Lucius" – He inclined his head slightly to Narcissa – "And many others did not attempt to find him. I believed him finished. I am not proud of it."

Cissy began to giggle and quickly hid her face from view.

"I was wrong, but there it is."

Cissy's giggle was quickly becoming contagious as Bella cracked a smile, but still Snape continued straight-faced.

" ... If he had not forgiven we who lost faith at the time, he would have very few followers left."

By the time he finished Bella and Cissy were both rolling on the floor in a fit of not-so-silent giggles.

"Wow. Snape's a really good actor." Sage pointed out. "Too bad he's not hot, the smarmy git."

"Like your 'friend' the clepto?"

* * *

"Severus," she whispered, tears sliding down her pale cheeks. "My son... my only son... He doesn't sleep anymore. He lies awake in his bed, crying... All he talks about these days is Harry Potter – "

"Cissy, you shouldn't go around telling people these sorts of things about him." Bella sniggered.

Snape said nothing.

"Sorry... I got carried away. It's just so sad... my _only_ son..."

* * *

"In other words, it doesn't matter to him if Draco is killed!"

"The Dark Lord is very angry," repeated Snape quietly, "He enjoys smiting the weak."

Cissy sobbed.

* * *

"My only son... my only son..."

"Are you sure? Are you sure there isn't another one lying around? You're house is pretty large. Maybe it's inside one of those nifty cabinets." Bella questioned her sister.

Sage sighed. "Wrong. The vanishing cabinets are placed elsewhere. And that wasn't your line. Again Cissy."

"My only son... my only son..."

* * *

"You will need your wand, Bellatrix," said Snape coldly.

She drew it, still looking astonished.

"And you will need to move a little closer," he said.

She stepped forward so that she stood over them.

"And a little bit closer."

Bella took another step closer.

"And a little bit closer."

Again, she moved closer, her heaving bosom brushing their linked hands.

"Snape! You're a pervert!" Impatient roared.

"Who knew?" Sage asked.

Off set, Hermione's well-practiced hand flew into the air.

* * *

There was a moment's silence. Bellatrix watched, her wand upon their clasped hand, her eyes wide.

There was a flash and _pop_ as the Dark Lord apparated onto the set.

"Where did those girls go? I need to smite something. They looked good,"he hissed.

"We're certainly not hiding behind the door again." sounded Impatient's voice from behind the door.

Spinners End exploded, leaving the Dark Lord standing on a pile of ash, looking quite pleased with his work.

* * *

Author's Note: Our juke box went missing. Either Voldemort was really happy yesterday or Sirius decided he needed some music to entertain him beyond the veil. Sorry. Perhaps it reappear. 


	3. WIll and Won't Harry Shimmy

Title: Harry Potter (The-Boy-Who-Scored) and the Half-Blood Prince (Get it On): A Blooper Reel

Authors: ph34r teh sistahs (Impatient and Sage)

Rating: M ((For... ummm... stuff...) Chapters will be rated separately though)

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not ours. Curses! He (and his world) belong to JK Rowling and many other people none of which are us.

Author's Note: This would be best if read alongside the book. Not only are there incredible SPOILERS, but the bloopers will just make much more sense that way.

Chapter Three

(Rated K+)

Will and Won't (Harry Shimmy like Voldemort)

Harry Potter was snoring loudly.

Wait. That's not a blooper.

* * *

The misty fug his breath had left on the window sparkled in the orange glare of the streetlamp outside – Harry jerked awake.

"Why am I breathing _fug_ on the window? What is 'fug'? Why is it sparkling?"

"Shut up you whiny brat and go back to sleep. You try being an editor and then you can make fun of them." Sage scolded.

"Honestly, that boy is so ungrateful. To make fun of an editing error... that's so immature." Impatient agreed.

* * *

Harry grunted in his sleep and his face slid down the window an inch or so, making his glasses still more lopsided, but he did not wake up.

Wait. Again, not a blooper. Apologies.

* * *

Harry grunted in his sleep and his face slid down the window an inch or so, making his glasses still more lopsided, but he did not wake up.

Silently, Sirius crept onto the set, sneaking up behind the sleeping Harry. He reached round his face, moving to remove the lopsided glasses, accidentally tripping over an apple core and knocking Harry with so much force that the boy toppled out the window onto the empty street below.

"Sirius!" Impatient's threatened to explode.

"I was just trying to make him more comfortable, I swear. I wasn't trying to pocket those spectacles."

"I believe him." Sage said, batting her eyelashes.

"HELP ME!" Harry's cries echoed faintly through the broken window.

"Don't worry Harry," said Impatient consolingly, "Dumbledore should be around any minute. He'll take care of you."

Yay! A real blooper!

* * *

"It is a long time since my last visit," said Dumbledore, peering down his crooked nose at Uncle Vernon. "I must say, your agapanthus are flourishing."

"FLOWERS!" Shrieked Sage. "Where are they? Have you got them in full sun? How often do you water them? I find I barely have to water mine but once a week. And which color? I find some colors do better than others, particularly–" But, alas, she could not continue for her sistah had dragged her off the set by the back the shirt.

* * *

"Give him an order," said Dumbledore. "If he has passed into your ownership, he will have to obey. If not, then we shall have to think of some other means of keeping him from his rightful mistress."

"_Won't, Won't, Won't, WON'T!" _

Kreacher's voice had risen to a scream. Harry could think of nothing to say except, "Kreacher, teach me to shimmy!"

Dumbledore looked from Kreacher's shimmying figure to Harry's, and sighed, "Oh dear."

* * *

Both Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon looked around instinctively, as though expecting to see someone other than Dudley squeezed between them. And there was. Voldemort grinning, red eyes flashing.

"Fancy a day trip? I know this really nice cave..."

"Really?" said Dumbledore, looking intrigued.

* * *

Author's Note: Sorry was short-- we fought... we're sistahs, give us a break.


	4. Horace Slughorn Gets Squashed

Title: Harry Potter (The-Boy-Who-Scored) and the Half-Blood Prince (Get it On): A Blooper Reel

Authors: ph34r teh sistahs (Impatient and Sage)

Rating: M ((For... ummm... stuff...) Chapters will be rated separately though)

Disclaimer: We own Harry Potter and his world. j/k, it actually belongs to JK.

Author's Note: This would be best if read alongside the book. Not only are there incredible SPOILERS, but the bloopers will just make much more sense that way.

Chapter Four

Horace Slughorn (Gets Squashed)

Rated K+

"Keep your wand at the ready, Harry," he said brightly.

"But I thought I'm not allowed to use magic outside of school, sir?"

Dumbledore looked straight ahead, smiling slightly.

"Sir?"

His happy expression, unwavering, the headmaster continued, "Care for lemon drop, while consult JK about my next line? It appears to have slipped my mind."

"Sirius probably stole it." Impatient muttered.

* * *

"Sir, I saw in the _Daily Prophet_ that Fudge has been sacked. ..."

"Correct," said Dumbledore, now turning up a steep sidestreet, "and what a brilliant decision it was too."

"Though I quite agree, I don't think you were supposed to say that, sir."

* * *

"Maybe there was a fight and – and they dragged him off, Professor?" Harry suggested, trying not to imagine how badly a wounded a man would have to be to leave those stains half-way up the wall.

"I don't think so," said Dumbledore quietly, peering behind an over stuffed armchair lying on its side.

"You mean he's – ?"

The aforementioned armchair chuckled heartily. Then quickly apologized, "Sorry."

* * *

And then without warning, Dumbledore swooped, upturning the armchair and plopping himself down in it.

"GEROFFFME!"

"Good evening, Horace," said Dumbledore, not rising from the chair beneath him.

Harry stared around the room searching for 'Horace.'

"Psst! Harry! Underneath Dumbledore!" Sage called, helpfully.

"You're not light, you know that," said a man who had been just seconds ago been an armchair from underneath his headmaster's bum.

* * *

"What kind of blood was that, incidentally?" Asked Dumbledore loudly over the chiming of the newly unsmashed grandfather clock.

"On the walls? Dragon," shouted the wizard called Horace, as, with a deafening grinding and tinkling, the chandelier screwed itself back into the ceiling.

"Oh DRAT! I thought it would have been human," said Voldemort, "but that can be remedied. Any volunteers? Harry, is that your hand I see in the air?"

Harry turned and ran from the set, screaming in agony and clutching his scar.

* * *

"No, I was wondering whether I might use your bathroom," said Dumbledore.

"Oh," said Slughorn, clearly disappointed. "Second on the left down the hall."

Dumbledore strode from the room. Once the door had closed behind him, there was silence. After a few moments, a large crash sounded from what had to be the 'second on the left down the hall.'

"Sorry," called Dumbledore, "I just fell in. But I'm fine, no need to worry."

* * *

"... Ever heard of Sirius Black? You must have done – been in the papers for the last couple of years – died a few weeks ago –"

It was as though an invisible had twisted Harry's intestines and held them tight.

"I think I'm going to be –" But before Harry had a chance to finish his sentence Slughorn was covered in sick.

"Kreacher!"

* * *

"This will do, Harry. If you will grasp my arm."

Braced this time, Harry was ready for apparition. But still found it unpleasant. When the pressure disappeared and he found himself able to breath again, he was standing in a country lane beside Dumbledore and looking ahead of his second favorite building in the world: the burrow. Well, he was sort of standing. One of his legs seemed to be missing.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

"It was cruel," said Dumbledore softly, "that you and Sirius had such a short time together. A brutal ending to what should have been a long and happy relationship."

Harry nodded his eyes fixed resolutely on the spider now climbing Dumbledore's hat. A hand reached from behind Dumbledore, slipping the hat off his head.

Still looking at Harry, Dumbledore smiled, "Well, hello, Sirius."

Sirius escaped the broom shed sending several spider infested broom toppling onto the stunned Harry.

"SIRIUS! Dumbledore _needs_ his hat back."

"No, that's quite alright. I'll just get another."

* * *

Author's Note: Okay, so that chapter, again, was disappointing, unless of course you enjoy seeing Harry writhe in pain. But we promise better things in the future. Sage's inner eye can see it. Impatient shoves Sage of building

Author's Note Revisited: We need a dirty, perverted female nickname for the next chapter. And, as we are excessively innocent, we know none. Any suggestions?


End file.
